Home

I realize that it's been quite a while since I've felt like I was home. Perhaps it's been so long that I no longer recognize the feeling, because I feel that I no longer have a home. The last time I stayed in one location for so long was 7 years ago, and even then I remember feeling eager to leave. It seems that wherever I go I am always waiting to go somewhere else; like I have to be mobile, for fear of falling off the edge of the world in the event that I stop. I remember the yearning for Fremont at one point that I allowed nothing to appease. After my return, I would start to have the same longing for Taiwan. This is the first summer in 6 years I cannot return, and I am feeling it. Now throw in Seattle, San Francisco, even Chicago. It's like tearing yourself apart, everywhere you go. I ask how people can live like this. Having something that you love and hate at the very same time. If it is so hard to choose between them then why bother. Why bother settling when you can have it all. The entire world. It's like a drug in itself. And withdrawal from it is agony. Is it strange to be homesick and not know where to go? Humans were not meant to feel at home here.

It used to be because I thought God was easier to find in some places than others. Such is not the case anymore. At school, I feel like going home. When I am home, I feel like going anywhere but there. I would almost rather prefer the hour of driving in my car that separates them. And it's not just the suburbs. Yes, In the suburbs I feel like I'm dying, slowly. It is more painful than boredom. The same dilemma re-presents itself. The mountain or the sea, the city or the farm, the balcony or the yard, the freeway or the trail, Europe or Asia. I don't know where to go. I just know I have to leave.

I miss you too.