Ravens

I'm not a fan of all-nighters. Never was. Never will be. There are times when they are necessary, but when they aren't, I can see the appeal. I tried my first one in a long time on sunday night which ended with me being sleepless for about 48 hours. Not the least impressive but sleep was out of the question due to unwanted obligations.

The appeal I mention earlier comes late, around 4am or so, when sleep is no longer an option. By now you have been juiced with caffeine, you have accepted the fact that whatever else needs to be done is going to have to wait until morning, and you are all alone. It feels strange for me to try to describe it, but at this point you experience a moment of clarity, unlike anything you can achieve during full consciousness during the day. I would even say it is a completely different world, comepletely separate from the real world, one whose doors open when you are by yourself and your mind is unable to grasp the concept of time. Time of the day, passing of time, moment of time. And your responsibilities and insecurities; gone.

Before this might have been a stage far more primal and animalistic. One in which you are reduced to your most instinctive needs, whether it is to sleep, eat, mate or kill. Your mind was clouded by hunger then, but now your mind is all you have. And you reason with yourself and think, that your mind is really sufficient at that moment. There is really no desire for anything else. This was surprisingly refreshing, something that I have not felt in a long time. Like I said, your existence in the real world has nothing to do with the you in this current state of mind. Thoughts that you struggle to construct come to you freely now.

Your demons come to talk to you. And unlike usual, their arrival is quite comforting. So you talk back, because this opportunity is one that rarely presents itself when you are awake. Not that you're not awake. You talk to yourself too. And you realize that you are actually quite fond of yourself. That you are just fine. That heck, you'll do. No need to try to be better than what you are. Of course this changes when the sun returns.

You talk to God. You don't ask him for answers, you don't ask him for anything at all. And you can feel His happiness as your conversation goes on. You don't feel guilty about anything though. There are no starving orphans, no Haiti, no grieving mothers, that's in another world. I guess the only way to describe your feelings are happy and sad at the same time. This is different from what you might experience at a graduation, or ending a vacation. It is a gut-wrenching sorrow mixed with utter satisfication, altogether comforting.

It seems very foreign and different recalling it now. I can remember most of it, but the emotions and state of being are off. When you wake into the real world (without having gone to sleep) and people begin to appear on the streets, it is all too foreign. Sitting in class and going to work, you wonder if it's really there. Takes a while to adjust. Then it comes back slowly. What you want. What you don't want. But more clearly, like seeing it for the very first time. And before everything else in the world forces itself back into your being, you know.

...

In other news, I enjoyed the stupefying experiencing of watching Utada Hikaru perform live at the legendary Fillmore in The City. My favorite female artist of all time, another artist I have been following for a decade now, at my favorite venue in the world. I was actually surprised by how different and better her music is live. Easily the second best concert I've ever witnessed. And she just goes at it, one after another. Also a very easy and heartwarming personality too. ...THE PIER!!! The crowd loves her. And she loves SF, and not LA. I wasn't able to get a press pass for this one, so no photos. Video definitely wouldn't do her performance justice, but here is one from two years ago on a bigger stage although I feel it was better this time in SF. Kremlin Dusk is a favorite among her english songs. Very emotional, look out for a little after the 3 minute mark. Ignore the dress.

Aftershock

Throw an egg on it.

Relief

If you remember my first ever post on this journal, I commented on the child slavery crisis in Haiti. Last weeks earthquake has truly shattered a nation that was already on the course of destruction, set by itself and its history. Although this is nothing less of a tragedy, I can't help but feel a certain sense of relief upon further reflection. Perhaps it is me being heartless, or perhaps I believe that this earthquake has freed many from a life of torture and bondage. You can ask how I can say such things but I can't help but see the good that God has brought out of this. This does not in any way change the sorrow I feel for an island that i have dreamed of visiting for 2 years. There are many efforts being made to bring aid. As for myself, I have a small amount through worldvision.org. Furthermore, there is a petition going around to cancel the debts that Haiti holds with other countries at one.org/us/.

Resolved

2009 ties 2007 for being the 2 best years of my life but 2009 wins hands down in terms of focus and achievement. Big things are gonna happen this year, whether good or bad. But my resolutions are:

No holds barred.

No surprises.

Good night, I'll be leaving you soon.